The Hellsing Chronicles
by DianaPrince31
Summary: These are one shots that take place in several Hellsing A/Us. The genres vary from friendship, family, angst and drama.
1. Night Huntress

Night Huntress

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

It was a beautiful night. The air was crisp; a subtle reminder that autumn was soon coming. The leaves slowly changing colors. The wind blowing gently, the only sign being the soft rustling of the trees. The moon full and bright; illuminating the newly turned vampire that was running for his life. He could hear her moniker whispered in the night; although with his advanced hearing, it seemed as if the very stones were shouting it: Night Huntress. He had to get out of here soon. He could see her shadow dancing above on the rooftops and her blue eyes boring into his very damned soul. Even ten years after the attack on London by the Nazi Group Millennium, the north side of London, stood as a macabre reminder of the atrocities that happened. Which is why he regretted running in that direction. It was if she had herded him there, so as to not add to the victims count. He had hoped to turn some people into ghouls as a distraction to allow him to escape, but she was not called Night Huntress for stupidity, but for how she played with her quarry, made them feel smart until they were in her trap. He could feel her getting closer as he mindlessly ran through the maze of abandoned buildings. He thought of bargaining with her; let him go free if he promised not to turn anyone into ghouls. He thought of pleading with her, maybe even begging and groveling in the dirt. But she was not sent to hear the pleas of the damned. She was only there for the hunt, for the kill. He could hear his breath getting ragged…. how long had he been running? More accurately, how long was she allowing him to run? He turned a corner and came face to face with a dead end. He had enough, he was vampire and he would fight, no more running. He turned to face his pursuer and charged her. With a flick of a wrist, he was wrapped in several loops of chains and by the searing agony that tore through him, the chain was blessed silver. To make matters worse, each link had small curved hooks, so they dug into his flesh. He thrashed about screaming as the hooks dug deeper into him. He tried begging again pleading. When his pleas fell on deaf ears, he started to curse her name, wishing only the most deplorable acts to befall her. He was finally silenced by a blessed gunshot to the heart. The huntress gazed up at night sky and lit a cigar as the light of the moon reflected off of her round spectacles. As she blew a puff of smoke, she said to no one in particular; "Tonight is a beautiful night."

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	2. Papists

Papists

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

Author's Note: This is not written in the intent to offend those who are Catholic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

Summary: 10 years after Millenniums attack on London, Integra seeks revenge for Iscariots role in it. Enjoy

It's not that she hated Catholics, quite the opposite. She had to respect a person who was devoted to their religion and was quick to defend their religion against those who would slander or mock it. She was no fool; she knew the history of Protestantism. How a lustful king wanted to divorce his wife and marry a woman, who was prettier and younger. How that same king lopped off the heads of those who could not get him the divorce he desired. She knew that many of the rituals of Protestantism were originated from the Catholic religion. If you really looked at the two religions, they were practically the same, but don't tell the Catholics that. So she really didn't see what the whole childish rivalry between the Hellsing Organization and Iscariot was about. Weren't they both doing the same thing? Weren't they both trying to protect their respective countries from vampires and other denizens of darkness that sought to harm the innocent? Integra blamed that asinine moron Enrico Maxwell. Just thinking about him, made her cringe. The man was a pompous arrogant fool, who thought he was better than her because of his religion. Countless times he called her slurs such as 'protestant sow', 'heretic' and her favorite 'protestant whore'. She always wondered how such terrible words could come out of the mouth of a man who claimed to be a man of God. Maybe God didn't give a crap about what His followers called others. She guessed that she shouldn't totally blame him. It wasn't like she was all that nice as well, but that was merely because the first time she met him, over ten years ago, he looked like a haughty ass, and the minute he spoke to her, it was in a condescending tone of voice, that clearly said that he thought her; a girl was too immature for her position and it was more suited for a grown man. At the time he told her that, she was 18 and wanted to knock his front teeth so far down his throat, he'd talk with an American accent. But she held herself back which was mature of her, only Enrico didn't notice it. And over the years and through their many encounters, Enrico was quick to tell her how God had abandoned her due to her heresy. Integra was not one to forgive so easily, even if it was a requirement. It was hate at first sight.

This attack on the Vatican was almost as bad as the attacks in London, only a lot less organized. Before Yumi had her head torn clean from her shoulders, she and Heinkel had found out that a crazed man that had become a vampire had been turning people into ghouls for months. He had been gathering an army in retaliation for that attacks on London, more specifically Enrico's part in it. The pope had given Enrico charge over several units and he went AWOL and killed innocents and ghouls alike. What was worse was the Vatican's cover up. So now thousands of ghouls overran the Vatican, tearing and eating anyone unlucky enough to get caught. Before he was hustled away to a secret bunker, the pope screamed at Enrico; "CALL HELLSING!" Enrico was not happy to hear this and decided he did not need Hellsing. But as time passed and the ghouls were gaining more ground, Enrico realized that maybe the pope had a point, even without Alucard, maybe Hellsing could be of some use.

"Sir Integra, the phone is for you'

"Who is it"?

The butler squirmed and hesitated, making Integra wish for what seemed the millionth time that Walter was there. She stalked from her desk over to the butler and snatched the phone out of his hand. Her glare sending him literally running from the room. "Who is this'? she snapped. "Nice to hear that you are well," sneered Enrico. Integra threw the phone against the wall, breaking it into pieces. "Philip! The next time that Catholic swine calls, tell him I'll see him in the deepest pits of Hell". The butler nodded and ran off -again. A short time later Philip came back into Integra's office with a new phone. "Sir, it's Mr. Maxwell again…" "So why is that phone still off the hook?'" Philip swallowed hard; "He says it's important, the Vatican City has been overrun with ghouls!" Integra sighed and held out her hand. As soon as she put her ear to the phone, she could hear Enrico screaming; "Hellsing? Hellsing! Get over here, quickly!" Integra chose to ignore his screaming demands, chalking it up to panic of the ghoul infestation. "We're on our way," she said "and a 'please' wouldn't kill you, you dirty papist." Tossing the phone to Philip, Integra walked out her office, barking orders to the soldiers outside to gear up and prepare for a flight to the Vatican. "And somebody wake up Seras!"

He would never admit it, but Enrico was actually glad to see the black and red Apache Guardians and Pave Hawks from Hellsing. He would never give her the satisfaction. He was glad to see the soldiers; male and female in their armored gear rappelling out of the helicopters and mowing down ghouls, left and right. What he hadn't expected was to see the leader of Hellsing herself join in the fray. He had hoped that she would just send the female vampire and soldiers. But really who could blame Integra if an opportunity arose for her to gloat? All around him was chaos, bodies of Iscariot members and gore. Enrico crawled into a damaged office deciding that there would a safe place until the ghouls were dealt with. He would wait in relative safety and then when it was over, he would send the Hellsing heretics back to England and take charge. Everyone would see him as a hero, important…. wait…what was noise? There…at the back of the office, shuffling movement…A ghoul! No, it was more than one ghoul and they were dressed as priests. The poor souls that worked in the office were now part of the clan of the dead. As Enrico tried to back out of the office, he bumped into a wall of more ghouls. "NO! NO! GET WAY!" shrieked Enrico. But the ghouls did not heed his cries as they closed in closer and closer, grabbing his arms, legs, hair…. but strangely none of them bit into him. This gave him a bit of hope and strength as he fought more fervently. "Get off of me, you damn monsters!". The ghouls grip just became stronger as they held him in place. Enrico could smell the foul scent of death and decay of the ghouls and the way they were salivating, he could tell it would only be a matter of time before they feasted on him, so what the heck was holding them back? The vampire must still be alive. Suddenly Enrico realized that this attack on the Vatican was personal. "Help! Heinkel! Anyone!" At once the sea of ghouls parted, Enrico breathed a sigh of relief, until he saw who it was.

The look of shock and stupidity, brought a smirk to her lips. "Were you expecting someone else, papist?" Enrico's mouth moved, but no words came out. "Ten years ago, a crazed sad little German had the gall to attack London with his army of ghouls. The number of dead were innumerable." Integra took out a cigar and lit it. "Less than half of the population survived." Enrico's face turned red; "Are you going to help me or stand there telling me stories of the past?" he demanded. Integra ignored his rant and blew a cloud of cigar smoke in his face. "Those who did survive that night time onslaught, saw the dawn of a new day and with that fleet of helicopters…. _Vatican helicopters_. They thought that these helicopters bought their salvation, but instead they bought about MORE death, more needless death." "What are you going on about?!" bellowed Enrico. Integra stepped forward, grabbed his chin in a vice like grip and bought inches from her own. "I'm talking about YOUR role in the massacre ten years ago, Archbishop Enrico Maxwell. Or has the Vatican covered it up so deep, that even you forgot?" The only response she got from the man was an opened mouth gape, well as well one can gape when your face is in such a strong grip.

The reality smacked Enrico like a ton of Bibles; as well the truth. "This is your doing" he gasped. He could only just stare at her. She was supposed to kill these freaks, not unleash them and certainly not on the Vatican. "Yes, you are always spouting off about divine judgement, well yours comes today, although divine is not the word that could be equated to what you will suffer." "Please! Don't do this! I'll do anything! I'll admit to the killings…" Enrico pleaded. But the cold glare that he saw in Integra's eyes told him it was no use begging. "You'll burn in Hell, you protestant whore!" he yelled. Surprisingly Integra smirked "Keep my seat warm for me." With that she turned on her heel and began walking out, but not before snapping her fingers; "Enjoy your meal, boys." Enrico's last screams could be heard from one end of the Vatican to the other.

A couple hours later the news gave the story that terrorists attacked the Vatican, but the Italian army was able to kill or arrest all the terrorists involve. The leader of the terrorist attack; a citizen of Britain was killed with several bullets to the chest in the shape of a cross.

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	3. Only Time

Only Time

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I Do not own Hellsing**

 **Summary: The knighting of Integra**

Back straight, eyes straight, the look of confidence and in a pressed black and red suit, Integra made her way to the Coronation chair. All watched as the newest knight and commander knelt before the Queen, in the glistening hall of Westminster Abbey. At a young age of 16, she certainly did not look as if she could run the century old vampire slaying organization. The Queen lifted the bright silver sword and tapping both of Integra's shoulders with the flat of the blade; " I dub thee Dame Int…" "SIR, not Dame. Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing." That was the only time Integra interrupted the Queen.

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	4. Don't Forget to Wash

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Author's Note: I watched a Korean movie a couple of days ago called Cold Eyes and there was a scene in it that made me laugh. So that gave me inspiration to recreate that scene Hellsing style.**

 **Disclaimer: Due to unfortunate events, I do not own Hellsing.**

The mission had taken longer than she had hoped but boy was she glad that is was over. Seras bolted to her room, accidently knocking over some soldiers in the process. When she got to her room, she ran in the bathroom and proceeded to relieve herself. "Aaaaaahhhh, so much better." She sighed. But then she heard a noise that sounded like people giggling and it sounded like they were outside the door. "She left it on" a female voice could be heard saying. "I didn't even know vampires used the bathroom" a male voice added. Seras turned a deep red as more comments and laughter could be heard. How could these perverts actually be standing outside her bathroom listening to her pee? "You left your walkie-talkie on," Integra said. If Seras could turn anymore redder, she did. "Sorry!" Seras sputtered.

"And Seras, don't forget to wash your hands" Integra deadpanned.


	5. Hypothetical Question

Hypothetical Question

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Author's Note: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Summary: The real reason why Integra was a virgin**

It was a beautiful Sunday at the Hellsing Manor. There was a breeze in the mid-Summer air and not a single cloud in the air. Integra had decided to play hooky from paper work, all which she had sent back to the Round Table with a note that said "I'm no longer doing work on Sundays, so bugger the frig off". Instead right now she was lying in a hammock enjoying a cigar, a bottle of Jack and a book about ancient ways of torture. This was the perfect Sunday, until she felt the presence of one annoying vampire king.

"My master, I have a hypothetical question for you." Alucard purred.

The Hellsing leader glanced up at him and sighed "You know I find hypothetical questions to be pointless."

"Fine, but I'll ask anyway: "If you were to have sex with a man, what kind of man would that be?"

"I would never have sex with a man. The day they can clone me with the proper appendage, that's the day, I will have my brains fucked out."

"That makes no sense."

"Why not? I'm everything I want in a man." smirked Integra.

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	6. It was Worth It

It was Worth It

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Author's Note: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Summary: Alucard does something really bad.**

He could not believe it, here he was the No Life King, Dracula and he was wearing what could be called a fashion NEVER EVER DO IN YOUR LIFE. And all because he was playing Truth or Dare by himself. Integra had been so pissed at what he had done so now he had wear this terrible get up. What was that get up you ask? Well, Alucard was forced to wear a pink frilly mid-drif that said the words "BAD GIRL" in glitter on the front. Along with a pair of low riding short denim shorts and those short were very tight. To make things even worse he had to wear 4 inch heels that completely threw him off balanced when he walked. But Integra hadn't stopped there, she had him a get a tramp stamp of all things! The tattoo said "This ass belongs to Integra Hellsing". Of course Alucard tried to tell her that wearing this get up could compromise future missions, but Integra didn't budge. So for a month Alucard had to look like a Las Vegas whore all because he dared himself to slap Integra's bottom while she was taking a shower. Despite the odd looks that Walter gave him and the giggles from Seras, it was worth it.

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	7. Keep Thine Enemies Close

Keep thine enemies close

Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Author's note: I do not own Hellsing.**

 **A/U: Any universe where Enrico doesn't die. Kinda dark humor. FPV Integra's POV**

 **Summary: Integra has a very interesting pet and it's not Alucard**

It is said that Alucard is Hellsing's pride. The best idea a bunch of humans can come up with to battle vampires with. The great No-Life King, Count Dracula tamed enough to be used as a tool for the Hellsing family. But that's all good for my father and my ancestors before him. I, on the other hand have another object that brings me great joy. I will be happy to show you, but what you saw DOES NOT leave this house.

 **The reader is led into the basement. A big steel door is opened. As you walk in you see a large cage in the center of the room. The cage is made of steel, concrete and a very sturdy glass, so that you can see the person in there. What you see is a ghoul. His long white hair tied back into a ponytail and he is dressed in priest clothes. You turn towards the Hellsing leader who has a smirk on her face and is casually smoking a cigar.**

Yes, that is my most hated enemy Enrico Maxwell. He makes quite an interesting pet, does he not? He's also much more quiet. When I get bored of him, I'll shoot him or return him to the Vatican, which ever one is easier or entertaining. What can I say? I like to keep my enemies close.

 **As you are led out of the building, you hear the ghoul formerly known as Maxwell groan, you look back into his undead eyes and you could swear you see a glimpse of sadness.**

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	8. I Do Not Need Your Pity

I Do Not Need Your Pity

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

 **Summary: Whatever you do, DO NOT PITY INTEGRA!**

 **If there was one thing that Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing hated most, it was the pity of others. It started when she was young; whenever someone found out that her mother was dead, they got that look on their face. The look that said that she NEEDED a mother. The look that said 'Awww you poor helpless thing' and even at a young age, she never thought of herself as helpless. She doubted that having been raised by her mother would make any difference of the woman she was today. Integra did not love her mother, she found it was impossible to love a person who was a stranger, even if that stranger gave birth to her. Even when she visited the graves of her parents, she paid no attention to the grave of "Mrs. Hellsing". Some people may think of this as heartless, but Integra challenged them to go up to a stranger and tell them they loved them and see how odd that was.**

 **When her father died, she could feel the looks of pity on her back, as she walked up to the casket to pay her final respects to the man that raised her. Integra was sure that she cried at the funeral because Walter had given her a handkerchief, but unbeknownst to those who attended the funeral, Integra's tears were not tears of sorrow, rather tears of joy. Her father had been sick for a while and it pained her to see a strong man bought so low. Now that he was dead, he was free from the shackles of sickness and she was happy for that. But the attendees did not know and so they pitied the twelve-year-old, who was now an orphan and commander of the Hellsing Organization. The pitying went on for weeks, until Integra was totally fed up with it. One morning a woman came and began telling Integra that she could come to her whenever she needed anything. Integra exploded; "SHUT UP! I DO NOT NEED YOUR PITY! IF I WANTED SOMETHING SO INSIPID I WILL ASK YOU, UNTIL THEN SHUT THE HELL UP!" The woman was NOT happy and thought of Integra as a little monster. The woman never forgave her for the outburst. "That was a most rude thing to say, to someone who was sympathizing with your loss, Integra" said Walter sternly. When Integra looked over at Walter, his face did not belie his stern words. "If you EVER give me that look again, I will gouge out your eyes myself, Walter" seethed Integra as she stormed out of the office.**

 **Fast forward ten years later, Integra is standing in the middle of what used to be London. Most of the population dead or undead. Proud buildings now reduced to rubble. Instead on the sound of people going about their night, the cacophony of screams can be heard. Her manor filled with blood and the dead bodies of the Wild Geese and ghoul Nazi soldiers. All the members of the Round Table were dead. Alucard gone from existence. Walter had betrayed her. That was the part that hurt the most, the betrayal of someone who she thought was a most loyal part of Hellsing. He had been an advisor, a butler, a bodyguard, a confidant and most of all a second father. Walter had seen Integra at her most vulnerable. Now he had gone over to the side of Millennium and for what? A chance to defeat Alucard in battle? Pathetic. "Sir Integra?" Seras said interrupting the commander's musings. Integra looked at Seras and there on the draculina's face was the look of pity. "Seras, if you EVER look at me like that again, I will gouge your eyes out. After all I am in need of a second one."**

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	9. Tis Halloween Night

T'is Halloween Night

A Halloween Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: I came up with this idea while taking a walk. I thought that I wouldn't have a Halloween fic, but my muse came back….for now anyway. Enjoy and have a great Halloween.**

 **A/U: This takes place in the Winds of Change series universe**

 **Summary: Integra deals with her hate for Halloween**

Integra hated Halloween. She never celebrated it and never would. It was not because some people thought that it was celebrated everything satanic in the world such as witches, ghosts, ghouls and goblins. She killed those for a living. It wasn't for the copious amounts candy. Integra never ate candy, even as a child, you couldn't find her chewing bubble gum or shoveling handful of sugary treats into her mouth. How do you think she stayed in shape? Integra hated Halloween because of those god forsaken pranksters. Every year she had to deal with those brats littering the Hellsing Manor's gate with eggs and spray paint. A lifetime ago, her father also had the same problem. Even with the guards standing outside the gates, the pranksters still egged the gate, because the guards just yelled at the kids, they didn't even shoot at their feet.

This year she would deal with those brats once and for all. By the end of the night, every prankster in Britain would know not to mess with Hellsing. But she only had a week to come up with something. She considered having Alucard or Sam sitting outside in their beast forms, but Alucard decided this year he wanted to dress up and go Trick or treating accompanied by Seras, to which Integra rolled her eyes and Sam was going to several Halloween parties, none that she was invited to. Sam somehow found out several addresses and would spend the night crashing parties. Integra made a mental note to get more mature 'pets' or at least train the ones she had now. She thought of commanding her guards to shoot to kill, but that would probably end in arrest or tons of paper work. Maybe attack dogs or motion sensitive lasers, but dogs were loud and poopy and lasers would again kill the pranksters and as much as she hated them, Integra didn't want them dead, more like she didn't want to sit in a prison cell.

Just then an ad for paintball guns popped up on the desktop screen. That sparked an idea in Integra's mind. Within the week, she commissioned two towers to stand above the front gate of the manor, gave the soldiers who usually guarded the front gate Halloween night off, ordered several very expensive paintball sniper rifles; with several thousand paint balls, set up two of the rifles so that they could be controlled remotely in one tower and on Halloween made herself comfortable in the second tower. She would give those pranksters the surprise of their lives. Who said Integra didn't know how to have fun?

The first set of pranksters were three guys who should be at home doing their homework instead of trying to vandalize a home. When they saw that there were no guards, they became even more bolder. Integra set her sights on the first guy, who looked to be wearing a bloody skeleton costume. He got a paintball to the forehead, this caused him to drop his carton of eggs and begin howling in pain. The two other boys looked around trying to see where the shot came from, one of them got a paint ball to the chest and the other one; to the jewels. As they ran off in pain, they each got a double tap to the middle of the back and to the butt cheek. Integra chuckled at the boys, they won't be throwing anymore eggs at Hellsing Manor, hopefully they tell their friends. Integra let the remote-controlled rifles take care of the next set of intruders. With their laser like precision and laser sight they couldn't miss, and they didn't. The brats were peppered with paint balls and ran off with welts and broken eggs. The gate, still untouched.

The third set of ne'er do wells must have seen what had happened with the others, as this time they did not come as close to the gate as the others. One of the boys hurled an egg at the gate, it shattered in mid-air, as Integra shot it out of the air. Another one didn't even get the egg out of his hand before it was crushed and its insides slid down his sleeve. The other two boys' cartons were smashed, splattering them in egg gunk. This happened several more times that night, idiot pranksters would come thinking they could toss a couple of eggs, only to be turned away by the end of the night they began to call her; the 'ghost shooter'. Integra had to admit that this was the best Halloween she had ever experienced.

The next morning Philip found his boss, asleep on the living room couch, still holding one of the paintball sniper rifles. "What on earth was she doing?" he asked himself. On the plus side, he didn't find a single egg on the gate.

The End

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. Please feel free to read my other series "Winds of Change", "Alucard Discovers" and "An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers- A Lot". Thank you.**


	10. A Day at the Beach

A Day at The Beach

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Summary: Why Integra doesn't go to the beach**

It was a beautiful day in London. The sun shone brightly in the cloudless sky and a gentle breezed blew the leaves playfully. This was a perfect day to go to the beach. Pip, Seras and Alucard were loading the beach gear into one of the cars. "We have to invite Sir Integra" said Seras. Walter shook his head; "That is probably not the best idea."

"Why not?" asked Seras.

"When she was ten her father and I took her to the beach and it was disastrous. She complained the whole time we were there, which was ten minutes and she didn't even get out of the car. Arthur was livid, we had already spent two hours on the road." The three looked at each other. "I'm sure that she wouldn't mind now, besides what do kids know?" said Pip.

Integra walked into her office and paused to do a double take. "Walter" she sighed "why are there three barely dressed people in my office? An early birthday gift of strippers is in very poor taste. And none of them are my type." Walter gave Integra a weird look as she sat down at her desk.

"We're going to the beach" said Pip.

"We want you to come with us." Said Seras. From the look Integra gave her, the draculina wished she hadn't made the statement.

"Walter, you did tell them about the last I went to the beach?"

"Yes I did, Sir"

"And you fools still ask me to go to the beach?"

"It's been more than ten years and besides you need to take a break, master" said Alucard.

"That's what Sundays are for."

"What's so bad about the beach?" asked Pip. From the way Walter groaned, Pip realized that he made a mistake.

"For starters, it's too bloody hot. I like being tan, not baked. The mass amount of barely dressed bodies is rather off putting. The fact that some people equate 'public beach' with 'nude beach'. The food is disgusting. The music, if you can call that noise music, is too loud. The smell of sweat, salt water and body odor is nauseating. The crude men staring at you; Seras you might want to wear something more decent. The sand going into places it has no business going. I do not want to make a pearl in my nethers. The crabs in the sand, that pinch you or the occasionally syringe needle that can prick you. The birds that steal your food and leave you a thank you note of their shit. People smoking cheap cigarettes. People drinking cheap beer. Undisciplined little brats pouring bucket of water and sand on your head. And finally; people shitting and pissing in the water. It's ok I'm sure you're fine with swimming in someone else's shit."

After that rant, everyone in the office was quiet. Then Pip finally said; "You know, Sir, you really know how to talk someone out of doing something." Integra just smirked; "Just let me know if you plan on doing something else foolish, now get out of my office, I've work to do." Outside the manor, they were about to start unpacking, when Seras said "I don't care what Sir Integra says, I think we should still go to the beach."

"I agree with the Police Girl. I'm just going to be bored sitting around here doing nothing."

"Yeah, let's have some fun. She can be a downer by herself."

"I would like to come with you" said Walter smiling, "I haven't been to a beach in a long time. Besides I can use the vacation."

Pip started repacking the beach stuff; "We'll show her that the beach is a great place and she'll wish she came with us." They climbed into the car and drove off. Meanwhile Integra was watching from her office window. She smiled; "So they decided to go after all. Dear Lord, it's going to suck when I am right." It didn't matter to the commander; she knew that her rant on beaches and their horrors would make them want to go on some stupid crusade to prove her wrong. "They think they're the only ones who need a vacation?"

Integra spent her day working until 6:00pm, then treated herself to dinner at a high-end restaurant, a classical concert in a nearby park and then home to the library, surrounded by books, a good cigar or two and the only man that mattered to her, the good Captain Morgan. It was past 11pm when the group came back and as she made her way towards the living room, Integra could hear voices arguing and yelling at each other. The director smiled to herself, so she had been right.

"It's nearly midnight! Next time I drive!" yelled Pip.

"You drive?! You can't even read a simple map!" hollered Walter, which was really out of character for the usually soft spoken butler.

"I told you to turn left, ya old coot!"

"None of this would have happened if you took the short cut I told you about!" screamed Seras.

"That short cut leads to a public pool, Police girl!" roared Alucard.

"No it does not, you big red wanker!"

By now Integra had made herself comfortable on one of the chairs, sipping a glass of Jack. Even though she thought she would most likely go deaf from all the yelling, it would be worth it. It was about twenty minutes of arguing between the four, before they realized they were being watched. Integra smirked; "I take it you had a good time today?" Pip nodded; "Of course, it was a …."

"No! It was terrible! We had a bloody rotten time!" interrupted Seras. Pip and Alucard glared at her. "I thought that we agreed that we would say that we had a good time, Seras!"

"I can't lie to Sir Integra, besides she's not stupid, she would have found out!"

"You're being childish, Police Girl."

"This coming from the doofus who pouted because some guy laughed at him."

Integra could only shake her head; she knew she was right; "So what exactly went wrong?"

Walter sighed, he knew his boss was getting a kick out of their misery, but decided to tell her anyway; "It was going fine until, Pip got us lost."

"I did not get us lost, you asked if you were supposed to turn left and I said yes!"

"No you said 'right'!"

"'Right' as in 'correct'!"

Walter sighed; "As I was saying, we arrived to the beach three hours later, even though it was only an hour and a half away. All of the good spots were taken, so we had to get a spot pretty far from the water."

Integra raised a pale eyebrow; "There's such a thing as a 'good' spot at the beach?"

"Yes. We had to rent one of those ridiculously expensive umbrellas because someone left the umbrellas here. It took an hour to set that contraption up."  
"Don't forget to add that Seras was whining about being too hot" mumbled Pip.

"Shut up, Pip!"

Walter ignored the two; "By then the food was bad and what was edible was stolen by a flock of ornery seagulls. But the food provided by the vendors wasn't so bad. While playing in the water though, how do I say this? Seras had…."

Seras who had turned a bright red color; "You don't need to tell her that part!"

From the looks on Alucard and Pip's faces, Integra knew right away what had happened. "I told you to put on something more decent, Seras."

"THIRTY MINUTES! THIRTY MINUTES! I WAS FROLICKING AND RUNNING AROUND TOPLESS FOR THIRTY MINUTES!"

Pip and Alucard burst out laughing, while Walter looked embarrassed. Integra gestured towards her chest area and asked "You mean to tell me; you didn't feel a breeze?" Seras looked mortified. Of course, the result of Seras running around topless, were stares of horror and others who followed her 'example'. Walter continued "This soured Miss Seras' mood so she moped for the rest of the time. Then some uncouth man took the surf board that Pip had brought and would not give it back."

"Yeah that bastard took my board. That was expensive! You owe me a new one, Sir."

Integra glared at the mercenary; "And why is that?"

"Because your stupid pet vampire was useless. He threatened to hurt the guy, but did nothing when the guy laughed in his face." Alucard who was used to being feared by even just his glare, was shocked when the board thief just laughed in his face. It stunned him, a human besides Integra, who wasn't scared by him. Integra scoffed; "Use Alucard as a surfboard then, I'm not buying you a new one. You probably weren't all that good at surfing anyway." Seras nodded in agreement; "He really wasn't." "No one asked you" growled Pip. Walter cleared his throat; "When we finally decided to leave, we were again lost because apparently, no one here knows how to read a map."

"Don't blame me, I fell asleep" interjected Seras.

"At night? You're supposed to be a vampire" sneered Alucard.

"You do notice, we all went to the beach, during the day, right?" countered Seras.

"I know how to read a map, you need to get glasses" Said Pip "you got one on one eye, get a second one."

"It's called a monocle, simpleton."

"Get a second one, old man."

Integra stood up, now that she knew what happened, she could care less if they argued all night if they did not keep her up. "I'd hate to tell you I told you so, but hell, I told you so. Nothing good comes from a large amount of barely dressed, smelly, possibly drunk people congregating in one place. You should have listened to me. I'm going to bed, try not to be too loud. Good night." When the commander left, Pip looked at the others and said "I got tickets to a football game, who's in?"

Chapter End

 **Author's note: Integra's reasons for not going to the beach are the same reasons why I don't go to the beach and that's just the short list. Hope you enjoyed.**


	11. Everything That Glitters

Everything that glitters…

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Integra and Alucard looked at the dead girl at their feet.

"Master…."

"WHAT?! You're going to tell me that was not a vampire?"

"She was not a vampire. That was Taylor Swift."

"Never heard of her, besides she looked like a vampire."

"My master, not everyone that is pale is a vampire."


	12. Meeting Blues

MEETING BLUES

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Notes: How Integra gets out of boring Round Table meetings each month.**

This meeting was dreadfully boring, at any moment Integra thought she just might fall asleep and start snoring- loudly. She stifled another bored sigh and stared at her cigar. Funny how the cigar looked like a …..that's it! Integra stood up and made her way to the door. "And where do you think you are going?" demanded the annoying voice of Sir Islands. The director turned a glacial glare at the old man and said; "If you must know, I am on my period and must go and change my tampon." There was complete silence in the room, then Sir Penwood said; "My my my, look at the time. It is quite late. We shall pick up where we left off next time. Good evening Sir Hellsing." And following his example all twelve of the old codgers practically ran out of the room. Integra sat back down in her chair and laughed.

Chapter End


	13. To Leave Her

To Leave Her

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

He knew that he was lying to her. When he had come home, he noticed the change in the twelve-year-old, especially in her eyes. He also noticed that Alucard was now free from his bonds. "You won't ever leave me, will you Walter?"

"No, Miss Integra, I will never leave you."

He knew he was lying to her.


	14. The Blizzard Story

The Blizzard Story

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Notes: The recent blizzard inspired this fanfic. Thank you snow plot bunnies and Ice muses. Enjoy!**

Snow blanketed the entire Hellsing property, but that didn't mean a day off for anyone, there was still work to do. For Walter that meant shoveling the walkways and pavement. Sir Integra didn't want to face a lawsuit if any of those old coots of the Round Table slipped and fell. So here he was, shoveling, but did she really have to stand him watching? Walter could feel her sapphire gaze on his back and it was getting annoying. "Sir, instead of watching, how about grabbing a shovel and helping?"

Integra chuckled; "Sometimes, Walter I think you have the strangest sense of humor."

"I wasn't trying to be humorous, Sir."

"Perhaps you should, it would suit you better instead of the frown, you're sporting right now."

Walter sighed, here he was, an old man shoveling and there was Integra in her youth, just standing there smoking her cigar. Just then Pip walked by and the director beckoned him over; "Bring all your men here, with shovels."

"Sir you pay us to fight vampires, not shovel."

"What was that? You don't mind working for free? You are willing to forego your next pay check? Well that is very kind of you, Captain Bernadotte."

Pip grumbled, but he went off to fetch his men. When they returned, none of them looked happy.

"Why the frowns, gentlemen? If you're going to live here, you might as well do something besides eat, sleep and shoot."

A couple minutes later Walter and Integra were sitting front of roaring fireplace drinking large mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Now this was more like it! Integra took a piece of paper out of her pocket and handed it to Walter.

"I took the liberty of writing out a list of chores for the mercenaries to complete."

Walter just laughed.


	15. Dead Animals and Shower Scenes

Dead Animals and Shower Scenes

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's note: This is part one of a Three-shot. Enjoy**

Sometimes Integra felt that she was running a day care center or some child rearing facility because most of the time, she found herself being the only mature person. For example, some of the Wild Geese were horsing around the halls of the Manor- something that was strictly forbidden. The clods had knocked down several vases and knocked askew some paintings. Apparently one mercenary had found a dead raccoon and were chasing the others with it. It got to a point where some of the men ran into her office to get away from 'raccoon man'. This was just too much. "YOU'RE ALL FIRED! PACK UP YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE!" Their saving grace was Walter who finally convinced Integra that firing the Wild Geese was not a good idea. So, she just reduced their pay to pay for damages. Now they knew the cost of playing around like children. But they were not the only who would behave like idiots when they really wanted to.

For once the meeting was going well, no asinine comments from the old men or idiotic remarks questioning Integra's competence. And for once the Hellsing director was in an amicable mood. Of course, that would change in 3…2…1…

"Sir Intergaaaaaaaaaaaa!" came the loud whine of one Seras Victoria. The draculina phased straight in to the conference room, something that surprised Integra because since when did Seras learn that? And the second thing…well that surprised everyone, was that the draculina was stark ass naked. "Sir Integra, tell Alucard to leave me alone! He keeps putting dead animals in the shower when I'm in there! He keeps saying that vampires don't need to shower, but I don't want to smell like blood all the time, but he won't listen!"'

All the knights were staring at Seras in stunned silence until Integra finally said; "Seras, you're naked." The draculina looked down at herself and seeing no clothes, covered herself with her arms as best she could. Her face turned red and she ran towards the wall with the intention of phasing through it, but perhaps it was the embarrassment at everyone seeing her naked, whatever it was, Seras ran smack into the wall so hard, she knocked herself out and landed spread eagle on her back. "That had to hurt" Integra muttered to herself while covering the naked vampire as best she could with her blazer. After being informed of the situation, Walter came with a large bathrobe and a towel. When Seras finally came to, with the butler and direction holding the towel as a curtain, she put on the bathrobe and left the conference room, teary eyed and mumbling apologies. Integra then turned the Round Table and said; "Gentlemen, this meeting is adjourned, but please don't get up, at least not until your erections have gone down." Walter chuckled and the commander left the office. The only good thing that came out this was that after Alucard had put the dead squirrel in the shower and hearing Seras shriek, he took a nap, so he had no clue what happened and Integra intended to keep it that way.

Chapter End

(for now)


	16. It's Called Chartruese, Not Neon Green

It's called Chartreuse not, Neon Green

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: This is part two of my three-shot**

Seras wanted revenge and she wanted it badly. It was that big red clown's fault that she ended up naked in the meeting room in front of a bunch of old men. What was worse she ended up spread eagle on her back as well. She was not sure for how long, but either way she was morbidly embarrassed. Now every time any member of the Round Table saw her, he started babbling like an idiot and scurried away going to deal with 'something'. When Seras asked what that 'something' was, Integra would just answer' "Whatever you do, do not shake their hands." Seras needed something that would embarrass Alucard, but what? She would tamper with his guns and make them shoot BB pellets. But that would be dangerous during a vampire/ ghoul exterminating mission. A whoopee cushion wouldn't work, maybe she could attach banana peels to his shoes. If Seras could think of a way to have Alucard embarrassed and naked that would be a bonus, but he did not take off his clothes….wait, that was it! Even though Alucard claimed that vampires did not take showers, he did take one, when he was washing his hair. When it came to his hair, Alucard was vain. Seras got an idea for a very evil plan.

Integra couldn't fathom why the Round Table wanted a full list of Alucard's powers. What? They didn't believe that he was a vampire? One of the knights then had the nerve to ask if Seras could also give a list of her powers.

"That is not necessary, you damn lecherous old fool! And I'd appreciate it if you old farts stopped wanking under the damn table every time someone mentions her!" shouted Integra. She was so getting this room sterilized, disgusting old men! At this moment Alucard phased through the wall of the room. "You called Master?" Integra didn't answer because her jaw was too trying to find its way off the floor. The other knights were speechless as well. When Integra finally found her voice, she said; "Alucard, what did you do to your hair?" The vampire king looked confused; "I gave it a washing, of course."

"With what, neon green hair dye?"

Alucard scoffed; "Master, perhaps it's time for you to update your glasses prescription."

For once the room's dropping temperature had nothing to do with vampire abilities. The commander blew out a stream of cigar smoke before she roared; "PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH A DAMN MIRROR, YOU BIG RED IMBECILE!"

"Fine" huffed Alucard before he left.

When he was gone, Integra said; "Well now you know what his abilities are: not having an iota of sense and being a complete and utter ass!"

Seras was there when Alucard saw himself in the mirror and his reaction was just hilarious. First his crimson eyes widened, then his jaw fell open and the he ran his hand through his hair. Then he stormed into the meeting room and stalking up to Integra he growled; "What did you do!?" The slap that she gave the vampire could be heard around the manor. Usually Alucard didn't mind pain, but this one he felt. Integra's eyes were like two blue pools of fire and they bore into his crimson ones; "If you EVER take that tone or accuse me of an immature prank like that ever again, you will suffer a worse fate than being sealed in a coffin for twenty years do I make myself clear, slave?"

"Yes Master."

"Now get out of my sight, your hair is most appalling." After Alucard had left, Sir Islands had called the meeting to an end and all the men had practically bolted out of the room for fear of Integra's wrath. Walter entered the room; "Over so soon? Which one of them angered this time, Sir?"

"Bring Seras here."

"Right away."

Moments later the draculina enter the room; "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

"It was you, wasn't it?"

"Me? What?"

"You're the one who switched out Alucard's shampoo for neon green hair dye, wasn't it?"

"I don't know…what you're talking about."

"So, you're calling me a liar, then?"

"No! It's…"

"What a strange day this has been. Vampires accusing me of idiotic jokes and calling me a liar. Perhaps, I have been too lenient!"

"It was me! I did it to get back at him for what he did several weeks ago!"

Just then Integra began to laugh and not a chuckle, but a full-on laugh. It took some time for her to compose herself. "I could only imagine the look on his face when he saw his hair."

"Actually…." Seras took out her phone and showed the image to Integra, who started to laugh, this time until tears came to her eyes.

Unbeknownst to the women, Alucard was lurking behind the door, he hadn't heard Seras' confession, but saw his master laughing her ass off, he would have revenge. She would know humiliation!

Chapter End

(For Now)


	17. Stick to your Guns (or Your Chairs)

Stick to your Guns (or your chairs)

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: Part three of my three-shot. I got the idea for this prank when I remembered the movie Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit. Great movie!**

It had taken Alucard WEEKS to get rid of the green in his hair. Every time Integra saw him, she tried not to laugh and failed miserably. And the Wild Geese had a hoot and day with his new 'hairstyle'. It was humiliating, how dare they laugh at him? How could his master do this to him and for what reason? Well if she wanted a war, she'd get one! Alucard ordered a large bucket of clear super sticky crazy glue. Before the next meeting, Alucard went into the meeting room and lathered Integra's chair with a healthy amount on the seat and the back of the chair. This would be good.

The meeting had been a good one, agreements had been easy to come by, money had been given generously and for once every one seemed to be in a good mood, enough not to wank at the mention of a certain draculina. Integra had just adjourned the meeting, this was the part that Alucard was waiting for. Ironically everyone at the table rose at the same time, well almost. One very unfortunate soul ripped their pants, the back of their suit jacket and tore out some hair. Everyone's attention turned to the sod at the sound of fabric tearing and a yelp of pain at their hair being stuck to the glue. Alucard was about to burst into the room and laugh at Integra, only there was something very wrong. The commander was NOT the one that was stuck in her seat, instead it was Sir Islands and he was not happy. "Sir Integra! What is the meaning of this!?"

"ALUCARD! WALTER! SERAS! PIP! GET YOUR SORRY ASSES IN HERE, THIS INSTANT!" When the four arrived in the conference room, the knight glared at them for a long moment and then said in a very quiet, very deadly voice; "I would like to know whose bright idea it was to do that! And before you lie or come up with some smart-ass answer, just know I have thought up some very creative and painful punishments for each one of you."

Walter, the bravest of the group spoke first; "Sir Integra, you know that I am too old to be playing such ridiculous games and I have known these gentlemen for a long time, I would never stoop so low as to do this."

"That leaves you three" growled Integra. Pip spoke up next; "I wouldn't risk a job or a paycheck by doing something like this, and after the dip in pay recently, I can vouch for my men."

The commander seemed satisfied and said; "Alucard, would you care to explain to Sir Islands why he is in the predicament he is in now?"

"Why do you assume it's me, master?"

"You're the only idiot who would think of something like this!"

Alucard looked away before saying: "That was meant for you, Sir Integra."

The men at the table gasped and Integra looked shocked; "What the hell did you just say?"

"That was meant…"

"HAVE YOU GONE OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND!? YOU WOULD DARE TO RAISE YOUR HAND AGAINST YOUR MASTER, YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF UNDEAD HORESHIT!?"

For a first time in a long time, Alucard felt fear; "Well you dyed…."

"You still think I switched your shampoo out for hair dye, it that it!?"

"Master! I'm sorry, that was me!" explained Seras. Alucard glared at Seras; "Why would you do that!?"

"Because you kept throwing dead animals in the shower when I was in there!"

There were several groans from the Round Table as they remembered Seras' 'exposé'. Integra whirled on them; "Oh get over it, you dirty old fools and get out! Sir Islands send me the bill." With the knights scurried out of the room, covering their fronts as best they could.

"Why do they all have boners?" asked Alucard.

"That's a story I'll tell you….IN A YEAR!" shouted Integra.

Later that evening, Walter tried to convince Integra to be a bit more lenient on her punishment on Alucard, but she was not hearing it. Alucard was sealed in a blessed silver coffin, butt naked for a year. What was a worse, there were a new set of seals that made sure that the vampire would be conscious of the pain. The commander then told the rest of the staff that there were to be no more pranks or jokes in the manor. The only time they could laugh was when she allowed them to do so. And Alucard only had 364 days until his punishment was over.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: This is in time for April fool's, neat! That was a total coincidence. Hope you enjoyed!**


	18. Integra Discovers Fanfiction

Hellsing Chronicles

Sapphirewyren

Integra Discovers Fanfiction

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Notes: The title is correct, this is not a "Alucard Discovers" story. This is what happens when Integra finds out about Hellsing fanfiction.**

The wintery wind blew through the bare trees and sent swirls of snow from the lawn into the air. Integra was glad to be inside her office, where it was warm and cozy, even if she was doing paperwork. Soon it would be tea time, Walter would bring in a silver tray with a teacup and saucer, a teapot of boiling water and a box of Ceylon tea bags or better yet for this cold day, peppermint tea. There would be would be either, sugar, cream, honey or lemon for her to choose from. Integra loved her tea time and she loved it at the same time every day. So today when it didn't come, at first, she decided to give Walter about ten more minutes. Ten minutes passed and still no tea. Integra got up from her desk and headed towards the kitchen to give her butler a piece of her mind. The kitchen however was empty. Integra sighed, she was not going to wander around the manor looking for her butler, so she headed straight for his room. So engrossed was Walter in reading whatever it was on his computer screen that he did not hear his boss, first knock, then open the door to his room. What the hell would be so important that he forgets her damn tea? Integra took a closer look at the screen over the butler's shoulder. After reading a couple lines on the computer, Integra could only say; "I DID WHAT WITH ALUCARD'S WHAT!? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU READING!?"

Walter nearly jumped a mile into the air, before fumbling with the mouse and minimizing the screen. Both employer and employee stared at one another for several uncomfortable minutes before Integra said; "What was that filth you were so into that you could not bring me my bloody tea on time!?"

Meanwhile outside the room, Alucard, Pip and Seras were listening in.

"You know this is your fault right, Police Girl?"

"How is it mine?"

"You introduced him to that website."

"I didn't know he was gonna be a pervert. I just read the funny ones and nothing past the rating K."

"I'm glad she didn't catch me" said Pip in relief.

"By the way, my master already knows where you and your men keep your porn stash" chuckled Alucard.

"Shut it you two, I want to hear this!" hissed Seras.

Back in the room, Integra was still raving at poor Walter and the butler was trying to explain himself.

"It's not what it seems, Sir."

"Really? Then enlighten me because all I see is a dirty old man reading dirty stories about his boss!"

"The author is very well written and has a way with words…I certainly was not reading it for the content…."

"Yes, dirty words! It's disgusting Walter, extremely disgusting. And don't give me that literary bullshit. I'd like to know how this 'well written' author know what I look like naked!"

"It's fanfiction, Sir."

"It's filth! It's derogatory! And I will not have you reading such nastiness in my house!" With that the commander stormed out of the room, she didn't even notice the three eavesdroppers that were pressed against the wall. When Integra was gone, Alucard entered Walter's room, opened up the screen and began reading. After a while he chuckled, "This author certainly does have a way with words. He's very descriptive of my master's body, describing things even I have never seen before."

"Go way, Alucard" said Walter.

"How do you even read this stuff about Sir Integra? I find that pretty disrespectful" said Seras disgustedly.

"I never thought of her to be the type to leave any hair down there" mused Pip.

"GET OUT!" shouted Walter.

"Fine, we'll leave you to your boner, old man" laughed Pip. Walter only groaned. From that day on, Integra decided to forego tea time, she preferred not to eat or drink anything that Walter touched. She figured if he read shit like that, she had a feeling she knew where his hands might have been. 

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: I might add a second part to this. I figured that Integra would not like any of the fanfics about her, especially the ones that ship her and Alucard. Imagine Integra finding out pervs ship her with Maxwell.**


	19. For Whom the Bells Rings (Part 1)

HELLSING CHRONICLES

For Whom the Bell Rings-Christmas Carolers

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

"Sir Integra, I request a week or so for some vacation" Walter said one morning in early December. Integra looked up from her paperwork. "Walter, with all these vacations you're taking, I'm beginning to think that you're secretly working for another family."

"The last vacation I had was two years ago."

"Very well, Walter you may have a vacation. I'll manage somehow."

"Just don't hire shirtless Calvin Klein models again. I do not want a bunch of half naked men in here."

"They weren't half naked, they were completely nude and they weren't men." Yep Walter needed a vacation. The first couple of days were quiet, then one evening Integra heard singing- rather bad singing. "Where the hell is that coming from?" She went downstairs and saw her front door open and outside stood a group of people singing Christmas carols and Seras stood there like an idiot listening to them. Integra stormed over and roared; "Either shut up and get off my property or learn how to piss through your ears!" The carolers chose to run.

"Sir! They were singing…"

"When you pay the bloody heat bill, then you can leave every damn door in this house open, until then, the doors stay closed!"

A day later more carolers rang the door bell and Seras wanted to hear them sing. "Please Sir, just a couple of songs."

"No, I can't concentrate on my work with all that noise."

"But you're not even working, you're playing PacMan!"

"And the difference is?"

"Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"Just tell those clowns that if they don't leave I will come down there and pull their assholes out through their mouths."

Seras left the office to relay the message, unbeknownst to her, Integra followed to see what she would actually do. It turned out Seras was not good with threats. "The owner of the house says to kindly leave or…."

"Seras that is not how it's done. Let me show you the proper way." Turning to the all-female group of carolers, Integra snarled; "Leave my damn property or you will be able to piss and shit out of the same hole!" The carolers gasped at such violence and then ran for the hills. Seras was sad to see them go. Her boss really needed the Christmas spirit. Pip saw the incidents and felt sorry for Seras. So one morning he and some of the Wild Geese stood outside her room and sang Christmas carols. This woke up Alucard, who was not happy and he went to Integra's office, lay down on the floor in front of her desk and fell asleep after complaining; "Those idiotic mercenaries are keeping me awake with their singing Christmas songs." Integra first went to the storage and got a large bucket, then proceeded to the kitchen and broke every single egg she could find into the bucket. The commander also poured every condiment into the bucket as well, ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard; all of it. She then went to the basement and tossed the contents over the heads of the singing mercs. "Any more damn carols and I will pull your voice boxes out through your ass! Now clean this mess up!"

When Walter returned, he noticed a large sign on the front gates that read: " _All idiots who want to stand at my front door and sing Christmas carols are welcome, however I will not be held responsible for the likely possibility that you will have your voice box tied in a knot and yanked out of your piss hole!"_

Chapter End


	20. For Whom the Bells Rings (Part 2)

HELLSING CHRONICLES

For Whom the Bells Rings- Jehovah Witnesses

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Walter was sick today and that Integra in a sour mood. She loved and cared for the older man, who the hell would bring her tea and open doors now? Well the answer came in the form of an eager, yet not-too-experienced maid. Even though Integra had tried to talk her out of trying to take on Walter's duties, but the maid insisted and the commander gave in. At least there were no meetings or too much paperwork, so Integra decided to take the time to relax. An hour later, the maid led two men into the office and said: "These two men wanted to speak with you, Sir".

"And they are…."

"We are John Brown and Micah Spencer, we are Jehovah's Witnesses and we'd like to talk to you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

Integra groaned why'd Walter have to be sick today? "Why the hell would I want you to do that?" The director noticed that the two men winces visibly at the swear word. She then got a cruel idea, the grin she had on her face would remind anyone of the Grinch. "Ok, tell me about Jesus Christ."

Micah opened up his bible and began to read from Genesis, the very beginning. About half way through a chapter through Integra interrupted; "What the hell is that? Why all the bloody 'thees' and 'thous'? That does not sound like fucking English."

"Uh…uh…but it is English" stammered John.

"What freaking version of the Bible is that? Is that a Catholic bible? I thought you said you were Jehovah Witnesses."

"T-this isn't a Catholic…" stuttered Micah.

"Could you get to the interesting parts? This is bloody boring! And where are the fucking dinosaurs? We all know Adam and Eve were cavemen!"

"Wait…what? It doesn't…"said a confused John.

"You said you were going to talk about Jesus. Well where is he? I don't have all damn day!"

By now the two poor Jehovah Witnesses were so uncomfortable with the amount of curses that could come out of one person's mouth.

"I think we should leave…" said Micah.

"We will come back another time…" sighed John.

"Where the hell do you think you bastards are going? I want to know about my fucking savior Jesus friggin' Christ!"

This sent the men flying out of Integra's office and out of the manor. After that day Integra never had to worry about Jehovah Witnesses again.

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: I had no intention on insulting or offending anyone, hope you enjoyed.**


	21. Integra Discovers Fanfiction (Part 2)

HELLSING CHRONICLES

INTEGRA DISCOVERS FANFICTION (PART 2)

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Notes: This is NOT a continuation of the first one. That will come later.**

 **Integra's POV**

I don't understand why in every fan fiction, people think there are mountains of paperwork on my desk or that I spend most late nights doing it. Can you imagine what I would do if that was the case; I'd bloody retire, that's what I would do. So for authors of fan fiction who think I have nothing better to do than a bunch of paperwork and reports, I'm here to set the record straight. I have a doable amount of paperwork, not a bloody mountain! The rest of time is spent doing the following: playing Pac-Man on my computer, listening to Seras whine about not wanting to lose her humanity(this is an excuse for me to drink), smacking Pip when he's behaving like a pervert, telling Walter to do meaningless things (like hand wash my underwear), beating up that Papist cow (this is fun), hunting vampires, pretending to listen to what those old coots of the Round Table are saying and reprimanding Alucard for something stupid that he did (some spanking required). Now that you know the truth, I do not want to see such blatant untruths in those stories. You may now go back to writing your insipid fan fiction, Alucard just broke several irreplaceable vases and he must be punished.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: Umm thanks for the information, Sir. I totally did not see that one coming.**


	22. Food Fight

FOOD FIGHT

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Just like weapons, food was an important factor at the Hellsing Manor. The chefs prepared every meal in advance, so that the master of the house ate like royalty. But the soldiers and the Wild Geese mercenaries also ate well, not glop on a tin tray like in the movies or that jerky that came from a store, but a good, hot, nutritious meal, which the Wild Geese always seemed to want more helpings.

Seras loved eating dinner with the Wild Geese, much better than she had with the Hellsing soldiers. The mercenaries could be loud and rowdy, but they were fun loving, friendly and told tales and jokes. It was like eating with a large family made up of big brothers and Seras wouldn't have it any other way. Today was no different; the men were picking on Pip today. One merc threw a pea at Pip.

"Hey! Who threw that?"

The mercenaries pointed at each other and said; "He did!"

"Fine, be that way!"

Pip then picked up some carrot slices and threw them at several soldiers. Of course they had to retaliate and threw some more food at their boss. One guy went as far as taking a gravy boat and poured its contents over Pip's head. Meanwhile Seras was trying to get the men to calm down. "Ummm guys, please don't throw food…Sir Integra will get angry…." But they paid her no mind and a full-on food fight ensued. Drinks splashing onto the men and food and dishware went flying through the air. Seras knew this would not end well.

As Integra and Walter walked past the barracks eating hall, they could hear the loud yelling of the men. "Are they always this boisterous at meal times?" questioned Integra.

"Usually they are loud, but not like this" was the butler's answer. Integra decided to investigate the noise. When she and Walter opened the doors to the mess hall, they had to dodge a baked potato flying at torpedo speed. Needless to say, Integra was pissed and Walter stuck his fingers in his ears waiting for his boss to yell at the Wild Geese. But Integra didn't do that; she just stood there watching the idiocy. After a couple of moments, several mercenaries noticed their employer watching them. "Oh shit! The boss lady is here!" Every man dropped whatever foodstuff was in their hand. The place looked like a food tornado had passed through. Every person in the room was either wearing his own meal or someone else's on his person. All of this Integra took in before taking out a thin cigar and lit it. After a few slow drags of it, the director said in a dangerously low voice; "Can someone please tell me what is going on here?" No one answered, they were too scared. Walter could just see his boss' blood pressure rising. "You know what I see?" said Integra after no one responded. "I see a bunch of grown men, who are not only highly immature, but are also very ungrateful. I give you food and this is how you repay me." The mercenaries looked down cast. "Since you don't want to act like grown men, I am going to punish you like children. No one is to leave here until this place is spotless!" Some of the Wild Geese headed towards the utility closet to get some cleaning supplies.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"Just going to get a mop, Sir…"

"No, you won't need that. What you morons were so callously throwing at each other was food and food is meant to be eaten. So that is exactly what you will be doing, eating every scrap of food." The Wild Geese groaned, while Pip said; "Sir Integra, that's…"

"What? Disgusting? Gross? Do I look like I care? You will not waste any of this food!"

So under the icy glare of their employer, the Wild Geese ate the food from their fight, more like gagged it down. Several hours later, they were done, but Integra was not.

"From now on, you will buy and prepare your own meals. I will no longer be giving you anything to eat. And your pay will be docked until I get the full value of the meal you all just wasted." With that the director left and when she was gone, Seras came out of her hiding place, the utility closet.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: I got the idea of the punishment partly from an episode of One Piece and my own twisted imagination.**


	23. Loose Ends

LOOSE ENDS

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer : I do not own Hellsing.**

 **Authors Notes: The great Brit Wolfe from** _ **Quotev**_ **gave me this idea, so thanks Brit.**

Alucard was bored and when he was bored he wandered around the manor looking for something that would entertain him. Walking into Seras' room, he did not see the fledgling but he did see a bright pink wool sweater with butterfly designs on them. Since this was of interest to him, Alucard was about to leave when he saw something that caught his eye, on the sweater was a single loose thread. The vampire could not help but to pull it. He tried to stop himself but couldn't and soon the sweater was a pile of wool thread on the floor. So entranced was Alucard in unraveling the sweater that the screech from Seras nearly made him piss himself; "Master! What did you do!?"

"Uuhhh… nothing…"

"Do you know how hard I worked on that sweater!?"

"It was ugly way, I'll get you another one…"

"No, you will make another one" came the stern voice of Integra.

"I do not know how to knit master."

"You will learn."

Integra printed out the instructions for knitting a sweater with patterns. "You will make Seras a sweater _exactly_ like the one you detroyed. Any botched one you will keep and wear as punishment for your stupidity."

Needless to say it took hours for Alucard to make the sweater and right next to him he had a pile of mistakes, so that meant he would be wearing botched pink abominations for weeks. When he finally made the sweater perfectly, with no mistakes, Seras squealed with delight, gave Alucard a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"It is perfect, I love it!" She then held a light blue sweater with Lady bug patterns on it; "Sir Integra even made me one, on her first try!"

Turning to his master, Alucard groaned; "Is there anything you can't do?"

"I can't understand why you are an ass sometimes."

Chapter End

 **Hope you guys like. Also I hate knitting!**


	24. Don't Let Them See You Cry

HELLSING CHRONICLES

Don't Let Them See You Cry

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: Sorry I haven't uploaded much recently. I have actually been working on a Hellsing novella, which is loooong, and I have been working on an original novel or is it a short story or a combo of both written in the same style I write my fanfics? I have no clue, but that has been taking up time. I need to manage time better….ok enough of that onto the fic!**

The meeting had gone badly and that was putting it mildly. The twelve-year-old girl couldn't get a word in and the old men had looked at her in anger and contempt. When her father was alive, the knights had treated her kindly because she was known as Miss Integra Hellsing, Sir Arthur Hellsing's daughter. But now that Arthur had died and named her his heir to the Hellsing Organization, that kindness was gone. She had hoped that they would have helped her into her new role, but apparently they had wanted her position to go to someone else, maybe even one of them. They did not want to hear the 'silly' ideas of a child nor take orders from one. They had made it clear when Sir Islands told her to sit, be quiet and listen while the adults were talking. The majority of the meeting was spent discussing ways to overturn Arthur's decision and finding someone more eligible to run the organization. When the tortuous meeting was finally adjourned, with tears in her eyes, Integra ran from the meeting room. This of course only got her more glares and head shakes. Walter could only look on sadly as his young boss ran miserably to her room.

While her head was buried in her pillows, Integra felt a presence besides her.

"Master, why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying!"

"Are you then vomiting out of your eyes?" Integra gave a small giggle and said; "That's nasty Alucard."

"Then you must have been crying then, Master."

The young girl frowned and said; "Those old fools are trying to find someone else to be in charge of the Hellsing Organization, even though father made me his heir!"

"Your father had chosen you to run this organization, no one else. They will not be able to do that, master."

"But they won't even listen to me."

"Then _make_ them listen to you. Don't let them see you cry."

When the next meeting came, though she wore a look of determination on her face, Integra felt that her heart would fly out of her chest because it was beating so fast. She let the knights grumble for a few minutes about having a female child for a leader before saying; "My father chose me to run the organization and if you have a problem with his decision, you are most certainly welcome to leave." All the men looked at the girl in shock. "Now if we are finished behaving like immature children, we have a country to protect."

 **Ten Years Later**

The screams of the living, the groans of the dying and gunfire reached her ears. The smell of blood and burning flesh was thick in the air. Many of the buildings were either burning or piles of rubble. Her butler had betrayed her, more than half of the Iscariot Organization was dead, only three Wild Geese members had survived the assault on her manor, she had lost an eye and Alucard was lost from existence. This could definitely be considered a bad day. As the sun began to shine on the destruction that was Britain, Integra watched as people staggered from under the broken bodies and destroyed buildings with dazed and frightened looks on their faces as they tried to comprehend the annihilation that had rained down on them. The commander's heart broke at the miserable sight; her beautiful London decimated and bought so low. As she was about to let it all go, she remembered what Alucard said to her long ago; "Don't let them see you cry." Integra smirked as she lit a cigar, that bastard always had to have the last word, didn't he?

Chapter End


	25. Marriage Counseling

HELLSING CHRONICLES

Marriage Counseling

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 **Author's Note: I found a couple of stories that I wrote some time ago, but did not type up, so here is the first of a few.**

Integra had no idea why these two decided that she was the resident expert on marriage. The last time she checked she was not married her without her knowing. Then where was the damn ring? Just recently two soldiers had gotten married and even though Integra was pretty much against it due to the complications that being a married Hellsing soldier could bring. She allowed them to get married. What can you say? The heart wants what the heart wants. The heart was brainless, so what does it know? So here she was in her office with the happily married newlyweds. Well the looks on their faces didn't look happy.

Ben and Stella Bentley had been arguing over children. Ben wanted a lot of children and Stella didn't want any children.

"I want little versions of us running around" said Ben. Stella looked around; "You think Sir Hellsing is running a daycare center?" Integra liked her.

"You know, I was thinking that we could buy a house."

"And then every time a vampire shows up, Sir Hellsing has to call us? That's a waste of time."

Integra really liked this woman.

"You could stay with the kids…"

"We already discussed this; I am NOT going to be a housewife. I joined this organization because I loved my country and want to protect it."

Integra was beginning to fall in love with this woman.

"And you expect _me_ stay home?"

"You want kids, so why not?"

"Well you won't get pregnant! You take birth control pills and after morning pills like they are Skittles! I even tried hiding them from you!"

"Of course, I do!"

This was actually pretty interesting, actually it was entertaining. This must be what reality television was, but raw and unscripted, without the bad acting.

"You see what I have to deal with?" both Ben and Stella asked at the same time.

"Cute" drawled Integra. "Let me start by saying this; you two have proven me right when I say that marriage is overrated."

"Our marriage is fine, she just doesn't want any children" exclaimed Ben.

"And why should she? In my opinion, as the husband, you have no right to demand that she have children. When it comes to making children, the only thing you have to do is and excuse my crude language; fuck her and go. She is basically your drive through window, your dumping ground, drop your pole in her hole, I could go on, but it just gets worse. I'm sure you get my meaning."

The shocked soldiers nodded, who knew that their virgin boss could think up such dirty things? Integra continued; "Stella on the other hand would spend _nine_ months of a complete life style change. For the first three months she'll probably puke up every meal she eats. The body aches, the cravings, the hormones, the getting wider and the numerous doctor's appointments. Also there are the stares, the idiots who ask to touch her belly like it's some kind of pet and the whiny husband who bitches because his wife can't have sex with him, when she gets too round. So Ben unless you are willing to grow a womb and rent it for nine month to a growing child, I think it only fair for Stella do decide if she wants to get pregnant."

"But men can't get pregnant" said Ben.

"How convenient" said Stella. "Well neither will I."

Ben wasn't happy about Stella's decision, but he decided that he loved her too much to risk their new marriage on arguing any more about it. The only thing he could do is hope in the future Stella would change her mind. Stella on the other hand was glad that Integra saw her point of view. And Integra enjoyed the look on both of their faces when she handed them the bill for the session.

Chapter End


	26. Not so Fantastis Fantasies

NOT SO FANTASTIC FANTASIES AND WHERE TO SHOVE THEM

A Hellsing FanFic

 **Sapphirewyren**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

It is normal for people to have fantasies, everyone did. They were not all the same; some fantasized about being a celebrity or being a mob boss or going to a magical school where one could learn magical spells, provided they survived the monsters. Most of these fantasies were kept secret and many people would never know that those close to them could have such fantasies. Walter's fantasy was a simple one; he fantasized about being the master of the house. He was not nececeraily the commander of the Hellsing Organization in these fantasies, but he was in charge. Integra was the butler; he couldn't really see her as a maid, in a maid's uniform. She was a competent and efficient butler, not lazy or a slack-off. He would demand something such as a cup of tea and Integra would make one, just the way he liked it. Walter never told anyone about this fantasy because he knew what Integra's reaction would be and it wouldn't be a good one. The fantasy was much better when Integra was out of her office, most likely at a meeting that was when Walter would sit in the chair at Integra's desk and live out the fantasy. He happened to be doing that at this moment, when a voice asked; "Walter, what are you doing?" The butler started and glaring at the owner of the voice, he said; "You nearly gave me a heart attack, Alucard!"

"So what were you doing?"

"I'm not doing anything, so get out!"

"You're sitting at my Master's desk and you know she doesn't like it when anyone but her sits there."

"Ok, ok, I'm getting up, happy now?"

"You wouldn't happen to be having that fantasy again would you?" A grin appeared on the vampire's face.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Alucard."

"I think you do. You know the fantasy where Integra is the butler and you're in charge…"

"I have no such fantasies, is there something in the blood you're drinking?"

The grin grew wider; "I wonder what my master would think of such fantasies."

"You wouldn't."

"Why not? Does my master not deserve to know what her employees are thinking?"

"Well maybe I'll just tell her, I caught you rifling through her underwear."

"Now that low, Walter, seeing as that is not true."

The butler smirked; "Isn't it? Who is Sir Integra going to believe? Her loyal butler or her pet that is known to do stupid things on a daily basis?"

Alucard growled; "Have it our way, Walter" and he disappeared through the wall. Walter breathed a sigh of relief, he knew he dodged a bullet, but that same bullet was going to come back to hit him in the ass sometime soon, but right now, his fantasy was safe.

For the last couple of days, Integra noticed some strange behavior between Alucard and Walter. Whenever they were in the same room, they would glare at each other or make some snide remarks about fantasies and underwear. She had a feeling this had something to do with her, but what exactly was it? Maybe she was over thinking it or the two were behaving stupid because they were males. Integra finally gave up giving two craps about their little fight, as long as they were doing their job. As the heiress made her way to the office, Alucard appeared in front of her, which earned him a punch in the mouth because Integra hated when he did that. When he was finished receiving his beating, the vampire said; "Master, there is something I must show you."

"What is it?"

"Follow me." As they walked Integra noticed that they were headed towards Alucard's room.

"I swear, if this is another Seras can actually fit into a suitcase prank gain, I'm going to knock you into next Sunday, Alucard."

"It's nothing like that, even though you have to admit that was funny."

"No, I don't."

In Alucard's room there was something Integra never seen before; a large oval mirror, Integra looked bored; "Is this is what you wanted to show me?"

"Yes, but that's not all. Alucard touched the mirror's surface and it rippled for a few seconds before showing an image of Integra's office needless to say, the director was not happy, "So you can peep in my office, great to know privacy is sacred in this place."

"It's not you that I was watching."

"Well who else could possibly in my office?"

Soon the answer came as Walter entered the room and he looked around to make sure that Integra wasn't around, he sat down in the chair and to be master of the house, telling Integra to get him a cup of tea to tell him the weather for that evening. The vampire and commander watched for several minutes before Integra asked; "How long has this been going on?"

"For several months."

"And you tell me now?!"

"Walter said that he would tell you that I have been looking through your underwear."

"Have you been looking through my underwear?"

"Of course not, Master."

"Good. Time to go and crush his dreams. I just hope his hands are not down his pants."

Alucard decided that it would be great to surprise Walter and he would hear the door opening, but not a portal. So vampire and commander walked through a inky black portal. Once in the office, Integra sat on the edge of the desk in time to hear Walter 'order' her to get the newspaper.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Sir Dornez?"

"As a matter of fact…" Walter slowly opened his eyes when he heard Integra's voice. First he saw the face of a pissed off Integra, and then he saw the grinning face of Alucard, who had given up trying to hold in his laughter. The butler froze, he had been caught and the look on his boss' face certainly didn't want to hear excuses. Walter got up from the chair while mumbling his apologies. Integra tilted her head and said; "You never cease to amaze me, Walter. I'm not sure if this is a fault in your character or if senility is having its way with you."

"It won't happen again, Sir."

"I could care less if you have your little pervy fantasies, just as long as you don't do it in my chair!"

After that Walter decided that it was best just to keep any fantasy locked up because they were only trouble and at his age, he didn't need that.

Chapter End


	27. Alucard Gets a toothache

ALUCARD GETS A TOOTACHE

A Hellsing Fanfic

DianaPrince31

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

It had started out as a dull throb, but grew progressively worse by the end of the day. By night the pain was as if someone was pounding his tooth with a jackhammer. It did not make things any better when his Master Integra called him to discuss the latest attacks in the streets of London. When Alucard reached Integra's office, he was holding his jaw and his face was twisted in pain. He was in so much pain that it took him several tries before he was able to phase through the wall. When Integra glared up from her moderate amount of paperwork, she said; "What's the matter with you?"

"Muthin mafta" replied Alucard, another grimace shot across his face, even talking hurt.

"Alucard, what's wrong?"

The vampire king shook his head, which made it worse. "Fine suit yourself" shrugged the heiress. She then went on to tell him about that night's mission. Alucard was glad when Integra was finished, so he could get to killing the freaks and then back to sweet solitude. When Alucard was gone, Integra turned to Walter and asked; "Is it possible for vampires to get toothaches?"

"Well seeing that Alucard's face was swollen and he looked in pain, I now believe it's quite possible."

Integra just shook her head and went back to her work. But Walter had a feeling that she was planning something. "So what are you going to do? The pain he is in will certainly hinder his ability to do his tasks."

"Don't worry about it."

The next morning the pain only seemed to have intensified. Alucard decided that he was going to stay in his coffin all day, until there was a knock on his coffin lid. Grumbling, Alucard opened it to find Integra, Walter and a stranger looking down at him. His face msut have asked the question because Integra said; "Alucard, this is Dr. Silas Simmons, he's a dentist for big cats." The dentist looked confused; "Sir Hellsing, he's a human."

Alucard bristled at being called a human; "I am nof a ooman, I am thef no wife ing, a…."

"We get it Alucard, just open your mouth and let the dentist take a look" said Integra. But the vampire king shook his head no. So Integra poked him on the face; that hurt so Alucard did as he was commanded. Dr. Silas put on a face mask and then using a flash light to see, he peered into the vampire's mouth. "It looks like one of Alucard's wisdom teeth is rotten." The dentist pulled out a large syringe out of a metal case and Alucard's eyes grew wide.

"Wufs that?" asked Alucard.

"This is so I can numb your gums with Novocain, so you won't feel any pain" answered the dentist.

Alucard doubt that the injection would do anything since he was dead and didn't feel pain unless it was something silver or a rotten tooth. When the Novocain was injected however Alucard felt a fuzzy, happy sensation. He didn't even feel when the dentist was yanking and tugging at the rotted tooth as he was now too busy singing "It's a small world". This of course worried Integra because she did not need a vampire, who was high on Novocain. Dr Silas pulled the tooth out with an audible popping sound, which caused Walter to gag a bit, remembering the time he had to extract his wisdom teeth. At least now Alucard could do his tasks , but getting him down from that high would not be easy. Dr. Silas gave Integra the bill and left, glad to be out of the strange house. Walter and Integra looked at the rotten tooth the dentist had left behind and then at Alucard who was now twirling around his room like a ballerina.

"Seems like the Novocain was stronger than I thought" remarked Walter. "That reminds me, Sir, you should make an appointment to see the dentist."

"Yes, yes whatever, you go do that, while I record Alucard dancing like an idiot."

A day later Alucard was back to normal and glad that he no longer had a toothache, but not too happy to find Seras and the Wild Geese laughing at a video of him on the internet.

Chapter End

 **Author's note: I feel for Alucard, a couple of months ago the same thing happened to me, only it wasn't my wisdom tooth. Toothaches suck; I remember not being to even sleep at night because of the pain and fever. So glad that tooth is out of my head** **Hope you enjoyed. Don't forget to check out my Winds of Change series.**


	28. The Letter

THE HELLSING CHRONICLES

SAPPHIREWYREN

 **Ch 28. The Letter**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Walter's heart broke as he wrote the letter; he never had a heart attack before, but if he did this was what it probably felt like; a gnawing at the arteries and a stabbing sensation to the ventricles. He knew what he would later do would break her heart as well and she would not understand at first. Of course Integra would be mad, she would be royally pissed, she would be melancholy for a time, but boy would she be pissed. As he placed the letter on the dresser, he looked around at the room, all tidy and clean; he had changed the curtains and bedsheets this morning, washed the windows and even polished the brass doorknobs. Walter didn't know if the ancient manor would still be standing by the time the Major was finished with London, but amidst the rubble, flames and ashes, he knew that the letter would survive. Once Integra read the letter, everything would be made clear and she would understand why he had to do what he did.

It had been two days after the attack by vampire Nazi soldiers and their Major in a war that London in ruins. The air still had the thick smell of burning flesh, blood and gunpowder. Dust was still in the air and stung the eyes and throats of those who did not wear protective goggles and masks. Soldiers gingerly picked their way through the debris looking for survivors and dead. The only good thing was that they did not have to worry about the undead as Alucard had taken care of all of them. At the Hellsing Manor the bodies of the mercenaries and staff were carried out so that the cleaning crew could start the repairs. Among all the bustling people running about, only one stood for hours as still as a statue in the large office, only the gentle breeze that blew through a broken window and tossed the long blond tresses reminded anyone that Integra was not a sculpture. (No matter how sculptured her features may be). Just then a worker came into the office and said; "Sir there was a letter found addressed to you."

"Who is it from?"

"Walter C. Dornez."

There was a pause before the quiet response; "Burn it."

Chapter End


	29. Distractions, distractions

**Hellsing Chronicles**

 **DianaPrince31**

 **Ch. 29: Distractions, Distractions**

 **Author's Note: I do not own Hellsing.**

 **This fic was inspired by** **Ness Frost's** ** _31 Days of Crackfest_** **\- go read it, good stuff there.**

Alucard was being annoying again; he was always annoying when he was bored. Right now Alucard was bored. He poked a thin finger in Integra's cheek trying to get her attention.

"Don't do that, Alucard."

"Master, I am hungry, can I have some of your blood?"

"Go bother Walter!"

"I want you to pay attention to me."

"Go away, Alucard, I'm busy."

"You're always busy, Master."

"This organization is not going to run itself."

"Yes it will."

"No, it won't."

"Yes it will."

It went on like this for several minutes until Integra got angry: "GET OUT ALUCARD!" When the vampire left, it was quiet, but Integra was left with a splitting headache. Since she was no longer able to do any work, Integra headed to the library and plopped down in one of the large armchairs. The heiress' eyes wandered lazily over the spines of the books and a slim paperback wedged tightly between two large tomes caught her eye. The book was blue with yellow lettering on it; entitled _When You're all out of Stakes: How to Distract a Vampire_. Integra didn't remember buying the book, but perhaps Walter did at the request of someone in the manor. Integra flipped through the pages until she saw something that peaked her interest.

 _There will be a time when one is ill-equipped to face a vampire in battle, so always carry with you a bag or bottle of rice, dried beans or even beads. When you come face to face with the bloodsucker, scatter the contents on the ground and see how the vampire will not be able to resist the urge to count and organize them. While they are counting the contents, flee for your life until you have a chance to come back and kill them._

Integra nearly laughed out loud, it seemed ridiculous, but what if it worked? It couldn't hurt to try. So Integra went to an art supplies store and bought up their supplies of beads. The next evening Alucard was being annoying again.

"I'm bored, Master. There are no vampires to kill."

"Go away Alucard."

"Pay attention to me." Alucard took Integra's pen.

"Give me back my pen, I'm busy."

"No."

Integra was not really interested in the pen; for as she was talking to the childish vampire, she was slowly pushing the large jar of beads towards the end of her desk until it fell with a loud clatter. This got Alucard's attention, whose eyes widened at the sight of red and black beads, scattered all over the floor. He forgot about the pen and knelt down and began counting the beads. It was strange seeing Alucard who stood so tall and proudly now hunched over counting beads on the floor. But it had worked, the vampire king was distracted counting beads and Integra could get some work done.

From now on, whenever Alucard got bored and decided that bothering his master was a good idea, Integra dropped a bottle and Alucard would stop to pick up and count the beads. It was also a useful distraction for Seras is she started talking to Integra about 'girly stuff'. Integra smiled to herself, now all she had to do was think of a way to distract the Round Table.

Chapter End

Author's Note: I read somewhere about Vampires counting rice or dried beans, I never got around to writing the fic until know thanks to Ness Frost 31. I hope you enjoyed.


	30. Everyone Could Use a Hug

**HELLSING CHRONICLES**

 **DianaPrince31**

 **Ch 30: Everyone Could Use a Hug**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

The only thing was written on his headstone was his name: Walter C. Dornez, no birthday for he rarely celebrated it and no death date, those who visited his grave prefer not to be reminded of the day he betrayed them.

Alucard had met Walter when he was a lost 14 years old boy and they spent most of the second World War mowing down Nazi vampire soldiers. Though there were moments that Walter could be childish and annoying as any teenage boy was, the two had grown close. Alucard did not have many friends, even as a human, so he was surprised at himself for caring for someone else. After the War, Walter served the Hellsing family as its butler and vampire slayer. When Alucard was sealed away for the next twenty years by his fearful master, Sir Arthur Hellsing. He knew that Walter had hated himself for his lack of ability to change Arthur's mind or to even stop the process.

Fast forward and the next time Alucard saw Walter, he was surprised at how old his friend had become, but Walter was not immortal, he had to remind himself. However, Walter didn't seem to mind nor did he begrudge Alucard his youthful appearance or so he thought. For the next 10 years Alucard and Walter molded Sir Arthur's daughter Integra Hellsing to be a fearsome woman and a brilliant commander of the Hellsing Organization.

Alucard had always thought that he was good at reading people, a stray glance, a nervous twitch or something as simple as scratching one's head and he knew if a person was being truthful or lying, and even what they were thinking. Alucard knew that most people did things out of habits or patterns and these gave away their actions. So why didn't he see Walter's betrayal coming? Why hadn't he simply hypnotized the butler as he had the hotel receptionist in Brazil? Why hadn't he sensed Walter's feelings of anger, jealousy and insecurity? Even thought during their battle against one another Alucard had mocked Walter and ridiculed him for what he had done; the vampire would never forget the looks on Integra and Seras' faces and it tore him up inside. Instead of fighting, Alucard would have preferred to shake the ex-butler and ask him what the hell he was doing. What did Walter think he would achieve if he defeated Alucard in battle. But instead he and Walter fought, Walter died when his 'new' youthful body gave out, and the world still turned, unaware of yet another death.

And now years later Alucard stood staring at the headstone of his once longtime friend, unsure whether he should be pissed or cry. Only when Integra wrapped her arms around him and he buried his face in her shoulder, did Alucard make up his mind.

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: Someone on Tumblr asked for a fanfiction where Alucard is hugged by Integra, so to that Tumblr person here you are. (No this is not a ship and sorry I forgot who that user was). Hope you enjoyed!**


	31. How Integra got a Cricket

HELLSING CHRONICLES

DIANAPRINCE31

 **Ch. 31: How Integra got a Cricket**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"Alucard, stop doing that."

"It wasn't me, master."

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"Alucard, you only get one warning!"

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"But Master, I'm not doing anything."

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"If it's not you then who else could it be?"

"Maybe it's y…"

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp

"You were about to blame me, weren't you Alucard?"

"Of course not, master. However, your friend on the desk seems to be enjoying this chat."

On Integra's desk was the largest cricket she had ever seen. The green insect was an inch long and it sat on the desk singing merrily. Integra rolled up some papers and was about to smash it when Alucard said; "You know, master, the Chinese believe that crickets are good luck."

"This is Great Britain, here, a bug in your home means you have a pest problem."

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"Is it me or is that cricket smiling?"

"Insects do not smile, Alucard."

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"It's smiling, master."

"Now I'm not sure who is more distracting, you or the cricket. I'm never going to get this paperwork done and I do not want to hear any of those geezers…" As her words trailed off, Integra had a smirk on her face that only grew larger.

"We're keeping the cricket."

"Are you ok, master?"

"I just had an idea."

The next evening when the members of the Round Table gathered none of them could say anything because of an incessant chirping. Strangely it was only quiet when Integra spoke which was more annoying.

"Sir Hellsing…." Started Sir Hughes.

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"Meetings cannot be…."

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"Conducted in this manner!"

"I'm afraid, that I can't seem to find the source of the noise" lied Integra.

"It's right…"

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"There!" cried Penwood. Sitting on the table by Integra was the cricket, happily chirping away.

"Where? I don't see anything."

"It's right…"

Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

"AAARRRGGHHH! I give up!" yelled Sir Islands.

Chirp.

The older men stormed out of the conference room mumbling about crickets and that a certain knight needed to get a new pair of glasses. Once they were gone, Integra chuckled, another boring meeting cut short. She gently picked up the insect and carried him outside to the garden; "I have to thank you for getting rid of those old farts, now I can spend the evening doing something more productive."

Chirp. Chirp.

Alucard appeared as the cricket hopped away into the lush green grass; "You know master, some people keep crickets as pets."

Integra shook her head; "One pet is enough, besides what if those old fools bring insecticide the next time?"

Chapter End


End file.
